One reality behind common parent-teen struggles is that teens have one foot in childhood and one foot in adulthood.
Therapists call this developmental individuating. It means your child is becoming their own person. They’re gaining independence and getting ready to launch out on their own. And that process of separating from you is normal, natural, and necessary. But it’s not easy.
That’s why your love and commitment as a parent is the most important step in building strong communication as you coach your kids through their teen years.
An overview of two-way communication
A child’s brain develops best through regular exchanges of ideas with their parents. You listen to each other, you gather information, and you work together toward a common goal or solution.
As a parent, you have four main responsibilities when communicating:
- Be clear and intentional.
- Make sure your tone and nonverbal cues align with your intended message.
- Understand that your teen’s attitudes and beliefs likely aren’t the same as yours.
- Pay attention to your child’s words, tone, and non-verbal cues in response.
Communicating clearly with your teen rests on you being a safe person for them to communicate with. That’s because good communication is safe communication.
How to establish safe communication
Effective communication with your teen, writes Dr. Walt Larimore, makes room for feelings.
The goal is to make yourself a “safe place” to engage in discussing ideas, doubts or questions — about any topic, including drugs, sex, tattoos, social media, bullying, body changes, success, money, painful relationships, messy worldviews, politics, God and faith. You don’t need to have all the answers, but by providing a safe haven for your teen, you’ll be building a strong emotional connection.
However, even with your best intentions, your child might feel that you’re not a safe person to talk with if you “preach,” react in anger or anxiety, or shut them down from telling their side of the story.
So before you can be a safe listening ear for your teen, you need to be self-safe. Becoming self-safe includes four important elements:
- Your relationship with Jesus is strong
You grow in faith and know that your identity and self-worth come from Christ.
- You have a secure attachment style
Secure connectors have learned that all emotions are valid. You know how to manage emotions appropriately and how to help your kids process big feelings.
- You know your teen belongs to God
You have a settled, deep confidence that your child truly does belong to God. Yes, they’re entrusted to your care. But you must teach your teen who God is and how much He loves them.
- You recognize that your teen has a free will
As people created in God’s image, teens have free will. Even if they make painful choices and their actions hurt themselves — or you — work with your teen’s free will.
Learn more
To learn more about connecting with your teen, we encourage you to read our entire article Tips for Communicating With Teens.