This piece can only offer a brief overview of a complex topic. If you suspect that you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, go to a safe place and call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, or visit them online at thehotline.org
Everyone has an occasional bad day and reacts to other people harshly or negatively.
Counselor Mark Mayfield, writing about signs of emotional abuse, recalled some heated words he directed at his wife. They both were exhausted and stressed, and when his wife forgot about an earlier conversation, Mayfield snapped at her. Later that day, he recognized what he’d done and apologized to his wife. He says,
“Though my reaction had been unkind, defensive and negative, it was not abusive. Many people exhibit poor communication styles that are not acceptable, and counseling can help. But there is a distinct difference between an unhealthy exchange and abuse. An argument or disagreement can make people feel awful, but that doesn’t make it abuse.”
What is emotional abuse in marriage?
Defining emotional abuse is important because the phrase is too powerful to misuse in any way.
Being hurt by another person’s selfish mistake or sinful action does not necessarily define abuse. We all sometimes cause others emotional pain (see James 3:2). And if we defined everything that’s hurtful (or even harmful) as abuse, we’d actually diminish the truth of abuse.
So, what is emotional abuse?
One of the key aspects of emotional abuse is a system of power and control — a calculated degrading of another person. When this kind of persistent pattern (which includes a purposeful mindset and destructive behaviors) is present, the term “emotional abuse” is used accurately.
Darby Strickland, author of Is It Abuse: A Biblical Guide to Identifying Domestic Abuse and Helping Victims, writes,
Emotional abuse “is a pattern of behavior that promotes a destructive sense of fear, obligation, shame, or guilt in a victim. Emotionally oppressive people seek to dominate their spouses, and they do so by employing a variety of tactics. They may neglect, frighten, isolate, belittle, exploit, play mind games with, lie to, blame, shame, or threaten their spouses. Their behavior is driven by the same root of self-worship and entitlement that drives other forms of abuse.”
Find help and healing from emotional abuse
Learn more about emotional abuse through the articles, books, videos, and broadcasts we’ve highlighted in our Help for Abusive Relationships landing page. The following resources will be important places to start:
- Signs of Emotional Abuse
- How to Know If You’re in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship
- How to Help Someone in an Abusive Relationship
- Is It Abuse: A Biblical Guide to Identifying Domestic Abuse and Helping Victims
- Friends Helping Friends: Identifying Abuse in Marriage
- Reclaiming Hope and Safety in a Destructive Marriage
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Adapted from https://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/is-it-emotional-abuse-in-marriage-or-just-a-bad-fight/
Focus on the Family’s Counseling Staff is a group of highly experienced, state-licensed clinicians and pastoral counselors who specialize in addressing personal and family issues from a biblical perspective. Integrating faith into daily life, a high regard for the Word of God, and a commitment to serve others with compassion are deep passions for this team as they conduct up to 1,500 phone consults each month. Focus on the Family offers free consultation through 1-855-771-HELP and referrals for more in-depth care through Focus on the Family’s Christian Counselors Network. Focus has enjoyed a long and valued referral relationship with Meier Clinics and other like-minded agencies who serve the cause of Christ in their clinical work.
