Focus on the Family Counseling Staff
An adolescent’s brain undergoes a literal “pruning” process, explain Jeramy and Jerusha Clark in Focus on the Family’s broadcast Understanding How Your Teen Thinks. Here are four helpful tips from that conversation.
Four tips to unlock your teen’s brain
1.) Understand the power of shorter conversations
“Think of it as dropping a stone in a lake, and it ripples out,” say the Clarks:
Once the water is calm, we drop another stone in. Hopefully, as their brain takes in these shorter and more frequent conversations, information will really gel.
2.) Accept that you can’t control your teen
One example, note the Clarks, is when your teenager says, “Why are you looking at me like that?”
Their ability to evaluate facial expressions is radically different from that of an adult. That can help you to just take a moment to think, “How can I change my behavior?”
3.) Don’t assume you know what your kids are thinking
It’s easy to jump to conclusions based on expectations, experiences, or even our own upbringing, say the Clarks.
But if we’re not careful, we’re just seen as somebody our teens want to avoid because we’re always telling them what they should do differently.
4.) Realize that the teen brain is hyper-rational
Teens tend to underestimate threat and overestimate the possibility of excitement. The Clarks point out,
They may think, “This car race could kill me. But it might turn out to be incredibly epic!” That’s why it’s important for us to ask our teens to think about things and evaluate the consequences.
Six tips to ask your teen questions in the right way
When we ask, listen, and respect, we stimulate our teen’s prefrontal cortex. And open-ended questions encourage teens to express themselves and to develop problem-solving skills.
1.) Start with “What,” “How,” or “Why”
These questions encourage teens to offer detailed responses. Instead of asking, “Did you like the movie?” you could ask, “What was interesting about the movie?”
2.) Show genuine interest
Be sincere in understanding your teen’s perspective. Listen to more than just their words. Pay attention to your teen’s mannerisms — their whole body.
3.) Don’t be afraid of silence
Give your teen time to gather their thoughts before they respond. Resist the urge to fill quiet spaces.
4.) Check your tone
You’re working to build two-way conversation, not interrogate your teen. Don’t criticize their opinions, even if they differ from your own.
5.) Avoid leading questions
Instead of asking, “Don’t you think that was unfair?” ask, “How do you feel about the situation?” (Parents can’t always stay neutral; you must protect your teen if there’s an imminent threat to their well-being. But when possible, ask questions to help develop your teen’s problem-solving skills.)
6.) Respect your teen’s boundaries
Your teen might feel uncomfortable with open-ended questions until they know they can trust your intentions. Let them decide how much to share.
Learn more
To learn more about connecting with your teen, we recommend reading Your Teenager Is Not Crazy.
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Focus on the Family’s Counseling Staff is a group of highly experienced, state-licensed clinicians and pastoral counselors who specialize in addressing personal and family issues from a biblical perspective. Integrating faith into daily life, a high regard for the Word of God, and a commitment to serve others with compassion are deep passions for this team as they conduct up to 1,500 phone consults each month. Focus on the Family offers free consultation through 1-855-771-HELP and referrals for more in-depth care through Focus on the Family’s Christian Counselors Network. Focus has enjoyed a long and valued referral relationship with Meier Clinics and other like-minded agencies who serve the cause of Christ in their clinical work.
