If a person shares with you that he or she is the spouse of an addict, what should you do? How do you guide this spouse to help their husband or wife without enabling out-of-control behavior or taking responsibility for it themselves?
There are several types of addiction (substance, sexual, behavioral), and each requires different intervention and treatment strategies. Still, it’s important for mentors to follow some basic guidelines as they come alongside a nonaddicted spouse.
We’ll touch on the highlights here, and then we encourage you to read our entire article for more details: Helping the Spouse of an Addict: Do’s and Don’ts.
First, listen
Many people hide or deny their spouse’s addiction. They might think their spouse will get better, or they believe their spouse’s promises to stop, or they’re embarrassed. On the other hand, they might have only recently discovered their spouse’s addiction and are in shock.
So first, ask them to tell you more. Addiction is fueled by shame, so let the story unfold without making judgments. Be a safe space, and listen well; this is sacred ground.
Give the spouse of an addict permission to get help
Your role isn’t to act as a recovery counselor for the person who’s addicted. Instead, your goal is to help the nonaddicted spouse get help immediately through therapy and support groups.
The sooner that spouse taps into professional care, the better. You can help them realize that they’re valuable enough to get help for themselves. Remind them that they didn’t cause the problem and that they have worth, dignity, and value.
Help them make and hold to boundaries
Focusing on the well-being of the healthier spouse in the marriage forces that person to set loving boundaries for their addicted spouse.
For example, If you come home intoxicated, I’ll ask you to leave the house. And depending on the severity of the issue, the spouse might need to consider a healing separation (also called a trial separation or therapeutic separation).
Ask questions
Mentors can double and even triple the effectiveness of recovery simply by asking questions such as:
- What are you learning in your counseling and support group this week?
- How can I pray for you?
- Are your kids getting the support they need?
- What day can I bring you a meal?
As you listen to their responses, you give them a place to work out the mess.
Leave the situation in God’s hands
Remember that God is the Rescuer, not you. Pray for His wisdom and guidance. If you know the spouse you’ve been walking alongside needs more than you can give, help them find a mentor who fits their specific needs.
The following articles also offer more information about addiction in marriage:
