David’s story
David was exhausted from dealing with his wife’s alcoholism. He decided to share everything with his pastor, whose brother battled drug addiction. The pastor surprised David with his response:
“David, I know you love your wife. You’ve tried throwing away her hidden liquor, covering for her when she’s hungover and her boss calls, and threatening legal action. But have you considered whether your actions are enabling instead of helping?”
Substance abuse isn’t the only setting for codependency. The struggle could be with mental illness, irresponsibility, or any number of issues. Codependency is likely to develop in any situation where someone seems to need us, and we need to be needed.
The need to be needed lies at the heart of codependency
Being able to safely and confidently give and receive help is part of a healthy interdependent relationship (where we are mutually responsible to each other). Yet, for people who struggle with codependency (feeling responsible for someone), being needed gets distorted.
It might play out like this: We meet someone who doesn’t necessarily look needy. However, the more we get to know them, the more we mistakenly believe that they could do better with our help.
Maybe they have a dysfunctional background, seem down on their luck, or have a few rough edges. So we enter into a relationship and ignore warning signs. What felt right in the beginning becomes uncomfortable, aggravating, and unpredictable.
Then, both people’s fears and associated behaviors intensify their partner’s fears and behaviors. Each person provides energy to power a continuing cycle of conflict and despair.
For example, if the “problem person” is abusive, old fears they carry (such as fear of losing control) fuel hurtful behaviors. At the same time, the codependent person’s fears (such as fear of being unloved, abandoned, and powerless) create controlling behaviors toward the abuser as they try harder and harder to make things right.
Codependency is a pattern of enabling
Enabling starts with good intentions: to make life easier for the one who seems to struggle. But enabling robs people of taking responsibility and facing consequences for their actions.
In David’s case, he has enabled his wife’s alcoholism. He might ignore the drinking, deny its harm, cover for her, do things for her that she should do herself, and threaten consequences but not follow through.
Unfortunately, his behaviors, although well-intentioned, harm her — and him. His efforts to fix, rescue, and control his wife only increase his hurt, fear, resentment, and stress. And his unwillingness to set and enforce boundaries and consequences comes at a high price.
Next month …
In part three of our series, we’ll talk about the personal costs of codependency.
Note: This article series about codependency (by Dr. Russ Rainey) only scratches the surface of a complex topic. For a more in-depth discussion, we recommend The Christian Codependence Recovery Workbook.
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Focus on the Family’s Counseling Staff is a group of highly experienced, state-licensed clinicians and pastoral counselors who specialize in addressing personal and family issues from a biblical perspective. Integrating faith into daily life, a high regard for the Word of God, and a commitment to serve others with compassion are deep passions for this team as they conduct up to 1,500 phone consults each month. Focus on the Family offers free consultation through 1-855-771-HELP and referrals for more in-depth care through Focus on the Family’s Christian Counselors Network. Focus has enjoyed a long and valued referral relationship with Meier Clinics and other like-minded agencies who serve the cause of Christ in their clinical work.