Focus on the Family Counseling Staff
This information is directed to parents and teens working through normal struggles of healthy teenage autonomy. If your teen is in crisis and is blatantly rebellious (whether from substance abuse, mental health issues, violent behavior, or other concerns), reach out for professional help.
The topic of teen rebellion usually triggers some kind of emotional response.
It can spark fear in parents whose children are on the brink of adolescence. It can prompt defensiveness and despair in parents struggling through the teen years. And it can inspire a sigh of relief for parents who survived those years and now watch their adult son or daughter live a healthy life.
Whether your teen is opposing your authority or God’s, rebellion is never easy to deal with. But don’t panic — understanding the reasons behind the behavior can help you keep things in perspective.
Teen rebellion is behavior with a reason
God didn’t make us random beings, so our actions (including rebellion) stem from a reason. Even kids and teens always do things for a reason. So it’s important to get to the “itch behind the scratch.”
In other words, we need to figure out the core reason for the outward behavior or mood. What looks like rebellion, whether through actions, attitude, or body language, might be your teen’s natural “itch” for greater independence.
The struggle for independence
Teens have one foot in childhood and one foot in adulthood. Therapists even have a term for this: developmental individuating. It means your child is becoming their own person as they grow in independence and get ready to launch out on their own.
This process of your teen separating from you and gravitating toward their peer group is normal, natural, and necessary. Fight it and you’ll lose. But that doesn’t mean that letting go of your teen is easy. The solution is to work with it as well as you can — by understanding what’s yours to control and what isn’t.
What to do during the season of struggle
Ask God for wisdom about how to love and parent your teen. Do your best to understand what’s driving their rebellion. Learn how your teen thinks. You can’t throw out the rules that keep your teen from harm, but your first priority is to build a strong relationship. Be available, be honest, stay involved, and speak their love language.
Admit the blend of panic and relief you feel that your teen is in the process of moving away from you. There’s panic in feeling a loss of control, and there’s relief in knowing that your teen is pursuing an independent adult life. Be intentional about coaching your teen through these years.
Remember that you’re not alone. For more insight into relating well with your teen, read Helping Our Teens Transition to Adulthood and Losing Control and Liking It. We also encourage you to listen to our broadcasts Parenting Teens Toward Adulthood and Parenting Your Teens When Times Are Tough.
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Focus on the Family’s Counseling Staff is a group of highly experienced, state-licensed clinicians and pastoral counselors who specialize in addressing personal and family issues from a biblical perspective. Integrating faith into daily life, a high regard for the Word of God, and a commitment to serve others with compassion are deep passions for this team as they conduct up to 1,500 phone consults each month. Focus on the Family offers free consultation through 1-855-771-HELP and referrals for more in-depth care through Focus on the Family’s Christian Counselors Network. Focus has enjoyed a long and valued referral relationship with Meier Clinics and other like-minded agencies who serve the cause of Christ in their clinical work.
Adapted from https://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/teen-rebellion/
